Loves My Mind Made Up
by Emma Brito
One of my favourite memories of you if from when we were much younger than we are now. I had a dream that you were pushing me on the swings in autumn. You told that it was impossible to not fall in love with me when I had the wind in my hair.
One time while sleeping I saw you. You said words that I can’t remember, and I don’t think that I understood them even then. I know it wasn’t you, but my own psyche seeking the comfort in itself that you never bestowed. It’s just that your mouth said the right things and your big eyes had tears in them and that was enough.
We had a whole life together that you don’t know about. I remember what our wedding day looked like, the blurred outlines of our five children, and how it felt to be old with you. Our world was a softer one, with pear trees and a never-ending summer. In the morning I woke up with the residual sweet haze before realizing it was gone. I was back in my youth and you would never again be in bed next to me. Our love could never translate into this world, but sometimes when the lighting is right and you’re in the midlife of laughter, I can still feel it in the muscle memory of the heart.
In the first weeks after we parted ways, I woke up every night around 3 am unable to breathe. The invisible weights on my chest only got heavier as the minutes dragged on. All I could do was stay up all night and think about all the little ways that you wronged me over the months. I hold these nights filled with your void against you more than anything else.
Recently you came to me in my sleep. You ranted and screamed at me for something insignificant. You broke down in declarations and I cried. There was the same old fire and that same feeling of all things at once, which only ever left us confused. It made me miss you so much that I almost called you for a true round three of our disaster.
I found myself in a house that could never be built. The basement had three levels and at least one abandoned white wing overlooking the ocean. You were in every room. At first you were enthralled in your own unrelated activities, unaware of my existence. As I wandered through each room you stood a little closer to my path, with your body opening up towards me. Finally your eyes found mine. We walked parallel to one another without touching. You would leave me at the exit of one room only to greet me in the next. A layer of clothing was lost every room in the most confusing lovers’ strip I have ever experienced. Finally I reached an empty sunbathed space. We stood in front of one another mirroring each other’s movements. We couldn’t seem to touch. So instead we stood there, just staring. You were you, even though you didn’t look like you. I almost told you about my dream the next day at lunch, instead I got sidetracked with the backstory of this house.
I remember waking up next to you angry. You had cheated on me with your landlady that doesn’t exist. I told you this wanting you to say something comforting, all you did was laugh and say that maybe you had done something like that in your dream last night.